Fiction and learning–what could be better?
“I like movies,” you say. “I especially like Ed Wood. His movie about aliens is my favorite.”
“One point,” says Yui. “Though movies are pretty bad here. We don’t even get Netfilms. Okay, next question. Do you want to stay on Mars for the rest of your life?”
“I want ten kids,” you say, thinking that if Yui wants kids at a young age, she probably wants a lot of kids.
“Zero points,” Yui says. “That’s crazy on Mars. We don’t need that many kids here yet. Next question is, what’s your hobby?”
“I want two kids,” you say. “Really, I hope for two boys. But two girls or a boy and a girl is also okay. They can play together, you know?”
“One point,” Yui says. “Realistic. And you have your own opinion. I think that’s important. Great. Next—what’s your hobby?”
“I think it’s best for you to decide,” you say. “I know you want babies, and it’s your body. You can decide how many babies.”
“Zero points,” Yui says. “Come on, you need to have your own opinion—even if you are a nice guy. You need some strength in your ideas. Okay, question two. What’s your hobby?”
You nod your head and try to smile. You actually like strong women, and Yui is the strongest woman you have ever met. Yui smiles and puts down the huge packages she is carrying. She sits down.
“Question one,” she says. “How many kids do you want?”
“I don’t want any kids,” you say. “They are too much trouble.”
“Zero points,” Yui says. “But maybe I can convince you later. Babies are great. Okay, time for question two. What’s your hobby?”
You say no, and Yui picks you up with one arm and carries you out the door and puts you in the elevator back to your room. She waves at you, but doesn’t smile. You think about what happens next.
You decide to date Yui the laborer. You have to go down to the packaging center. When you see Yui, she is carrying several large boxes. You notice that she has muscles that are bigger than your head. When she sees you, she dashes over to you and shakes your hand. Before you can open your mouth, she is already talking.
“You must be the new man on Mars,” she says. “The robots told me you were coming. They always want to marry the ladies off to the newest staff members. And look, I am young. But I want to get married. Life is short. I want kids while I am young and healthy. So, let’s not waste any time. I’m going to ask you five questions. If you give a good answer, I will give you one point. If you give a bad answer, no points. If you get three points or more at the end, I am happy to go on a date with you and talk about marriage. Okay?”
You decide to go to a movie with Jane.
“I mean, we can go see a movie, but it’s a bad idea,” says Jane.
“Why is that?” you ask.
“You’ll see,” Jane answers.
When you get to the movie theater with Jane, you see it’s a small building in a dark corner of the Mars Farm. The theater has about thirty seats, and you quickly take a look at the movies on the list.
“Wait,” you say as you read the list. “These movies…”
“Yeah, they’re all old,” Jane says.
Jane is right. The movie theater is only playing movies from last year. You have seen every one of them. You look at Jane, confused.
“What?” she says. “It takes a long time for earth to send new movies to Mars. They actually started coming a bit faster a few months ago. Last year, you would have been so sad, all the latest films here were from five years ago. I don’t know why. We get the Internet. We can read all the spoilers in the memes. But we can’t watch the movies until everyone on earth is watching the next thing.”
“But I have seen every one of these movies,” you say.
“Yeah, I have seen the spoilers from them on BookFace and InstantGrab,” Jane says, shrugging. “It’s not worth complaining about. Do you want to watch a comedy and pretend you don’t remember the best jokes? Or maybe a horror movie, and pretend you don’t remember the craziest scares? I really liked the memes for Scare Tanuki Part 12: Blood and Volleyball.”
You take Jane’s advice and watch Scare Tanuki, even though you hated it when you saw it last year. It’s not nearly as good as Scare Tanuki Part 11, or even Part 8—though the death volleyball scene is scary. Unfortunately, Jane laughs at everything in the movie—even the scary and bloody parts.
“Did you see the meme about this scene?” Jane says, laughing really loud. A robot watching the movie turned around and glared at them. “Oh my gosh, she’s about to get killed by a tanuki riding a unicycle!”
Halfway through the movie, when you buy some popcorn, Jane tells you all the ingredients in the fake butter and it’s so gross that you can’t eat it. At the end of the movie, you throw away the popcorn, and Jane gives you a high five.
“Hey, thanks a bunch,” she says with a big smile. “I understand, everything is terrible on Mars at first, but you can find something fun if you accept the strangeness.”
She punches your arm, winks, and then walks away.
“If you’re up for another date, I am free next Thursday,” she says.
You aren’t sure what to think. You sit down on a bench and look at the garbage can where you threw away the terrible popcorn. It wasn’t a great date, but honestly… Jane is pretty fun. Maybe something can come from this relationship with time.
The end.
You decide to go out to dinner. Mars has a big restaurant run by robots, and you can order almost any kind of cuisine. You sit together at a metal table with dim lights, and you look at the menu together.
“I am going to order a pizza,” you say. “The pepperoni.”
“Do you usually order pizza?” asks Jane, and she looks alarmed.
“What’s wrong?” you ask.
“Nutrition,” says Jane. “You need to think about nutrition. The balance. The pizza here is all fake, which makes it even worse than earth pizza. Not just meat, but gross fake meat. And the cheese… it’s not healthy at all.”
“Well, but, it’s pizza,” you say. “I just want something that tastes good.”
Jane laughs.
“My man, that’s a good way to get heart disease,” she says. “Fat food always comes with a side order of an early death, if you know what I mean.”
All throughout the dinner, Jane points out calories, nutrition, and various facts about every dish and drink you order. She counts out the calories you eat and the vitamins and minerals. She talks endlessly the sugar and salt and fat in everything.
By the end of the evening, you are going crazy.
“Thanks for inviting me out and having dinner with me,” says Jane. “My goodness, I think we even managed to have a healthy meal at a restaurant! And they say it’s impossible.”
“Uh, yeah,” you say. “Thanks a bunch.”
As you walk back to your room, you realize your mistake. Jane thinks about food all the time. Going to dinner is the worst way to get to know her. You learned all the most annoying things about her first, without getting to know her best side.
The date was a disaster.
The end.